Interpersonal Conflicts

Interpersonal relationships can turn sour and conflicts may arise. The question is; how do we view problems objectively, while at the same time using tact and handle the situation well? Being able to solve the problem by telling what we should do is often easy. However, to be tactful or to listen to the emotional needs of others is more often than not, done wrongly.

There was a time where a school project had to be done in groups. At that time, me and seven others were taking the same module and naturally, I assumed that we would split ourselves nicely into groups for the project. It happened that at the same time, I had another friend, Benjamin who lived near me, was taking the exact same module. Benjamin was not close to my other friends but I often would talk to Benjamin as we lived nearby, looking out for him when he missed class. My friends then decided to group themselves without me, assuming that I would be find Benjamin to partner up. Benjamin on the other hand, had found his other ex-classmates to pair up with for the project. I was left alone, and without a partner for the project. Of the seven friends that I had, I was particularly close to one of them, Lester. I felt a sense of betrayal and upset that they had not consulted me when they went ahead to group themselves for the project. I was left alone and had to find a stranger to pair with for the project. At that moment, what I felt was that though everyone finding their groupmates was a 'free-for-all' matter, the fact that my close friend Lester had just left me out, was a surprise and was rather disheartening, given that we were so close. My upset, turned to disappointment, and disappointment turned to anger. I ignored Lester for a few days and our friendship was not as it was. Deep down, Lester sensed my unhappiness and constantly asked me what was wrong even though I frequently would tell him that everything was fine.

One day, I told myself that our friendship should not have to fail because of such a simple mistake. It was my fault that I had not approached my friends early on to arrange for groups. Though Lester was my close friend, and friends do look out for each other, it was largely my fault. I set aside my pride and talked to Lester about the entire issue, telling him why I was upset and apologised for being so cold. Lester also saw my point and also apologised to me. I was grateful for him not getting upset about me being so petty. We eventually got back to being great friends and still are till today.

Till today, I guess the main reason for this conflict that we had was due to me being unreasonable and expecting to be spoon-fed a place in the groupings. Other reasons for such could well have been that my friends did not look out for me. However, I do believe that my expectation of my friends looking out for me was a little too naive as I have to first depend on myself to get things done before being dependable to aid others. If I assist my friends to achieving their needs, it is a bonus, likewise for them assisting me.

If you were a friend to a person in the same situation as me, how would you explain your own actions to me in a way that I would be able to accept and not be upset (or be consoled)? Likewise, if you were in my shoes, how would you relate your unhappiness to your friends while attempting to keep your friendship with them? To me, I approached the problem by taking full responsibility for the entire problem. Whether it is the best way, I do not know. However, I did achieve the intended result of getting back on good terms with Lester, and that is what I treasure greatly.

I hope you will not receive a similar situation to as I have, or even if you do, you would be able to approach the situation with tact and able to think for the other party(ies) first and solve the problem amicably.